Sorry ahead of time for those who saw this on my other journal. However, there is more discussion here that I didn't want to go into there, so... whatever.

Been feeling sick recently, wasn't sure why. Mild Nausea and mild lightheadedness at work. General feeling of malaise. Thought maybe it was the start of a Lupus episode.

( Squicky, after the cut )

I guess that I'm good, emotionally, we weren't ready for a kid, hence the birth control. But at the same time, I'm a little sad.

As you may have realized by now, I REALLY want kids. However, this miscarriage seems to have touched me emotionally less that I think it touches most women. I do feel a little disconnected, but I think that that is in part because of my time off work - I feel like a bum. ( cut for length, but there's more squicky stuff in here, too )

B had two angry days, two days ago and yesterday. Makes me nervous as hell when she pulls this crap. D made a comment about her laptop, wondering where it was, because the cooling fan won't run and she wants to take it in for repairs. *I* knew that it was just a curiosity question, but she took it all wrong, and stormed off downstairs. This is a typical angry behavior for her, and I don't like it at all.

When she gets mad (usually because she takes some comment the wrong way) she storms off and doesn't want to talk about it. In the past, she has screamed and yelled and threatened to leave us. D says that this is a common enough response for her, and that if you leave her alone, she gets through it and things get better. D says that she is being touchy lately because she is stressed. (Health and unemployment issues)

WELL.

As far as I'm concerned, it's a fucking shitty way of responding. How the hell am I supposed to know what I did wrong if she won't talk about it? When she gets in a better mood, she never brings it up, never lets us know what she was thinking or WHY she blew up. She just acts as if it never happened. Really, really - it never comes up again. As far as she is concerned, the issue is done. It reminds me of a young child, who is mad but doesn't know the rational, adult way to deal with it. Temper tantrum, calming period, forgotten.

BUT every time she blows up like that, I lose a little bit of trust in her. I am much less likely to voice my opinion or say what I think because I am never sure how she will take it. Why can't she just assume that we *don't* mean to hurt her feelings, and when they are hurt, ask us to clarify what we meant? I would NEVER do anything to hurt her intentionally, and if it was unintentional, how am I supposed to know not to do it again if she won't tell us what we did?!?

D has been living with this behavior for years, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Yelling and slamming doors reminds me of my abusive past, and the self-imposed isolation is almost as bad. It takes all my willpower to NOT go to her and ask her what's wrong. (Experience has shown me that it's a BAD idea - the last time I did that, we got into a screaming match over the STUPIDEST thing).

I think, though, that we ARE getting better at fighting, though. Funny as that sounds. Last time, after the big fight, I explained to her how I felt about being shut out and she explained to me about her desire when she's mad to be left alone. This past squabble, after she calmed down a little bit, I came in and explained to her what I meant, and that I didn't mean to make her feel bad. I said my piece, and asked her if she wanted to be alone now. She nodded, and I left her alone the rest of the day. Much sooner than normal, she was back upstairs, laughing and happy again.

-A.

...continued from previous.

I started to think about things, the future, where did I want my life to go, where did they want their's to go. We discussed life goals. I want children, soon. Did they? They already have an 8-year old boy, and children can be a major point of contention in poly families, especially in FMF when the first wife can't have any more. During her pregnancy with the kidlet, she damaged her hips, and the doctor told her point blank that to try for another would put her in a wheelchair. So she got fixed.

SO... kids could be an issue. Did they want more? YES, they do. Would she be able to handle seeing me do something that she can't anymore? Would she be able to deal with it when D pays more attention to me because I'm with child? Their relationship was currently experiencing that slump that comes with 8 years of marriage, could they handle the strain that a pregnancy would bring? I know that I am ready for children. Are they ready for all the stress that come with raising kids in a poly family? There are a lot of things to consider BEFORE you agree to start trying. The kind a stress that comes from fighting about these things isn't good for a pregnant woman.

Names: Who names the baby? What LAST name does the kid take? I personally want to take their last name before I decide to get pregnant - I don't want to have to deal with all the questions and funny looks when you have to explain that no, SHE is Mrs. D, I have a different last name but THAT is OUR child together, but SHE lives with us and THAT is HER child and yes, they are siblings living at the same address... You get the picture. Currently I act as a step-mother to the kidlet, I have permission to make medical decisions and pick him up from school and call him in and whatnot. BUT the hospital would be able to deny me access to him in the emergency room if they set their mind to it.

We have talked a little bit, about names. My grandfather's name has occurred in his family, too, so if she is agreeable, we have a ready boy's name. The thing is, he really wants a girl. I don't really have a preference. To tell you the truth, a girl would be nice, they (and I) currently have an 8 year old boy, with severe ADD. He's quite a handful, but I love that kid.

She has reasonably asked that before we start thinking about kids, the three of us need to be together for at LEAST longer than a year (I think a little longer, but we've been living together since November 2006), and they need to solidify their relationship a little bit. Honestly I agree with both points. They don't often pay the attention to each other that they should, and when the NRE hit D and I bad, jealously reared its ugly head. (More on that subject later.) I love her dearly, but it's different. I just don't have the lust and chemistry that I have with him.

I have other concerns, though. I am 26 now, and I really think that I want to have my first before I turn 29. I am so worried about waiting too long to try... what if we try for two years, and discover that we can't without help? I would then be 31 and trying for risky and expensive fertility treatments. Yikes! I don't want that. I want two kids of my own - the kidlet will be at LEAST 10 before any new kids come into the picture, I want my children to grow up with at least a sibling close to their own age.

-A.

...continued from previous.

I started to hang out at their house more and more, and I realized how lonely I truly was. I fell a little guilty about spending so much time over there, but I voiced my concerns and was "smacked down" at that point, told that they wanted me here, it was okay. D and B urged me to come over everyday, joked that I should just move in.

It all happened so fast - I don't normally move emotionally that way. In general, my emotions move slowly and evolve slowly, and are easily damaged beyond repair. But things went well. H worked second shift, so I ended up spending a LOT of time with D, and he and I got to know each other pretty well.

He would tell me, "I... Lust you." Teasing me, because I was uncomfortable with the word "love," I didn't want to hear it, especially if it wasn't meant. But he is such a sentimental type. By late November, I got the feeling that he didn't mean lust, he meant love, but I was too fragile to ask. I didn't want to hear the answer, it would have been too much, either way. I was starting to think that maybe, MAYBE this would work out like I hadn't planned it to.

I cried a lot of tears, both alone and in his arms.

Hi!

Well, let's start at the beginning. Some words of preface:

I have always been polygamous. Don't ask me why, I don't know. My parents are serial monogamists, and I guess I never "got" why you had to stop loving one person before you could love another.

And let's get it out right now: I am very mildly bisexual. Not much. In other words, I will play with a woman if I care for her as a person, but otherwise I'm not interested unless there are men involved.

Anyway.

October 2006, after several years of begin single, and honestly, being a bit of a player, I met this wonderful couple. Originally, the female half, B, was pursuing me to date for herself. She brought my home, to meet her husband, as a courtesy, you know, to see if we would get along, well, because when you are polygamous, you should at least LIKE your SO's b/g friend.

D and I got along famously. LOTS of chemistry. This would become a small problem down the road, but we've resolved it, I think.

I started hanging out at their house, a lot, as I was pretty lonely in my little apartment with only my cat for company. I'm new to this area, so I don't have a lot of friends to spend time with otherwise. They made me feel so beautiful, something that I KNOW I'm not.

I told them both, that I was pretty damaged from my last relationship, and from my earlier marriage, and that while we could play, I didn't want to HEAR the L-word, didn't think I was capable of it anymore.

I didn't want it to get serious. No-commitment play was exactly my speed.

-A.